The 8 Craziest Job Openings in the Military-Industrial Complex

Top-secret janitor. Pollster to the spies. Classified comic book artist. Any organization sufficiently large is bound to have the odd job opening within it. But few organizations are as freakin’ colossal as the U.S. military intelligence industrial complex, with an estimated 4.9 million Americans holding security clearances today. Which means there are thousands of unconventional positions to fill at any given moment.

Here are some of the wilder military and intelligence “help wanted” ads we found online. Some classifieds are for truly wacky jobs. Others are for slightly more standard positions — but presented in an odd way. If you find more, let us know in the comments, on Twitter or on Facebook. We’ll post some of the best suggestions.

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Military-Industrial Artist

Let’s face it, your artistic talent is going to waste working for minimum wage at that coffee bar. And you’re not exactly using your top-secret security clearance either, brewing up mochaccinos. Luckily, there’s a job that combines your comic book skills with your remarkable ability to make it through art school while only barely hitting the bong. Virginia-based Pentagon contractor TASC is looking for a graphic artist to join their “Global Systems Business Unit.” There you’ll design “creative artwork” that can “communicate mood, emphasis, insight, viewpoint, and similar visual impressions” through brochures, emblems, and posters. That’s like band and gig posters, right? Sure, if you think of “gig” in terms of engineering support for the Pentagon’s fleet of spy satellites. (You’ll also have to clear a polygraph test.) And not to worry. While the corporate culture of the military-defense industry can be a little square, TASC wants to use satellite data to “move from reporting historical location information to predicting events,” company vice president Robert Horback told Geospatial Intelligence Forum. Hipster credibility is based on knowing what’s cool in advance of everyone else, so it’s a perfect job, really.

Photo: Newton Free Library/Flickr

Twitter Stalker

Security firm Archimedes Global wants a “Cyber Counterterrorism Persona Targeting Analyst.” The title sounds great at parties, for one. But basically, it comes down to stalking people on Twitter. Aside from using a required top-secret security clearance to access computer systems maintained by the FBI and the Pentagon’s cybercrime center to “support cyber [counter-terrorist] activities,” a big part of the job involves using “social media analysis (to include Twitter, Facebook, and organic native language social media) in order to establish a pattern of life study of the ‘target’ and obtain information and positive attribution of subjects.” And they pay you for it. It’s also not the only job available along these lines. Data analysis firm Semantic Research — not to be confused with the anti-virus company with a similar name — is seeking a “Social Media Intelligence Analyst” to track “criminal activity … in support of active federal law enforcement investigations.” The six-figure income is more than cops make, too.

Photo: Transportation Security Administration

Russian Counter-Espionage Expert

Three months ago, the FBI pounced on a group of Russians who appeared to be legitimate business executives, but who were allegedly seeking to smuggle high-tech electronics used in all kinds of nasty weapons systems, from targeting computers to detonation triggers. Now here’s your chance to join Team America and bust up more of Moscow’s espionage plots — including sultry spies like Anna Chapman, pictured above. Private intelligence firm Pluribus International is seeking an analyst to “identify and counter foreign intelligence threats” that are trying to steal sensitive military research and technology. “[Counter-intelligence] analytical experience involving Russia is preferred,” notes the job posting, and a security clearance is required. There’s also the opportunity to parlay with some of the top national security folks in Washington, including criminal investigators with the Army, Navy, Air Force and the State Department. You’ll be ensuring that “senior [Defense Department] leaders and Congressional staffs are routinely briefed on significant activities,” while hunting down and stopping “adversarial operations.” But note this isn’t James Bond spycraft for you adrenaline junkies — it’s a lot more subtle than that.

Photo: Victor Boyko/Getty Images

Yiddish Linguist

If you can tell a schlemiel from a schlemazel, one of Washington’s spookiest intelligence contractors has a job for you. CIA contractor MVM, Inc. is looking for part-time Yiddish linguists with “native or near native oral and written communications skills” including the ability to “comprehend slang and colloquial expressions.” Once the main language of Jews until the mid-20th century, Yiddish has since gone into steep decline with the revival of the state of Israel and the Hebrew language. Today, Yiddish is mainly spoken by certain ultra-Orthodox Jewish sects and a handful of revivalists. Now the question is: What in the world is a CIA-linked firm trying to translate from Yiddish? Or who is speaking it and getting snooped on? By the way, the job also involves working — er, translating — during nights and weekends.

Photo: irinia slutzky/Flickr

Mexican Drug War Instructor

Apply for the job now, ask questions later. That’s the attitude CIA contractor MVM is looking for, as it recruits “teachers” for a little gig down in Mexico. And according to a company job posting, it’s hiring teachers who also happen to be former U.S. law enforcement officers who speak Spanish, have at least 15 years experience in counter-drug intelligence work, and have knowledge of Mexican, Central American and South American “drug trafficking activities including personalities, organizations and trafficking routes.” Interested? MVM doesn’t specify who you’ll train, and the location isn’t specific beyond “throughout Mexico,” so you should be a get-up-and-go kind of worker. The length is between two and five weeks. It also helps if you have experience writing counter-drug “targeting packets.” MVM doesn’t say who or what will be on those packets. But you’re not the type to ask too many questions, are you?

Photo: AP

Bio-Weapons Hunter

For our sake and that of our children, you better know what you’re doing when you apply for this job, because you’ll be chasing biological weapons in the former Soviet bloc and beyond. Defense firm Millennium Corporation is looking for a program manager to help out the Pentagon’s Defense Threat Reduction Agency in preventing “the proliferation and use of weapons of mass destruction … and should that fail, reducing the impact of their use.” The specific job focuses on biological weapons, and a big part of it involves managing one or more contracts at more than 14 exciting locations including Russia, India, Africa, Uzbekistan and Azerbaijan. The company also states it will provide you with a passport for travel, and for your office in Lorton, Virginia: “a laptop computer, a desk phone and a chair.” They’re warming it up for you right now. And you better hurry, because there’s anthrax to uncover.

Photo: Army

Gallup Pollster

The pollsters at Gallup, Inc. kind of crapped the bed this presidential election season — first picking Mitt Romney to win, then raging at statistical guru Nate Silver for poking fun at the company’s flawed performance. But despite a rocky 2012, Gallup insists that it is still “the most trusted name in survey research, with a national reputation for efficiently [meeting] the informational needs of government agencies.” And that’s where you come in. Gallup needs a researcher in its government division — to do what, the company doesn’t explicitly say. But a high-level, Top Secret / Sensitive Compartmented Information security clearance is “preferred.” In other words: even if you screw the job up, Nate Silver will never know a thing about it.

Photo: nikolai36/Flickr

Top Secret Janitor

It’s hard to pinpoint the oddest part about this job listing. Maybe it’s “anonymous employer” offering the gig. Maybe it’s the fact that they appear to be looking for a top-secret cleaning man. Or maybe it’s the gratuitous exclamation points.  In any event, this online classified ad is so bizarre, we decided just to present it in its full glory:

TOP SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE – CUSTODIAL – JANITOR – PEST DESPOSAL – PEST CONTROL – WASTE DESPOSAL – PAINTER – SNOW REMOVAL – INDOOR PLANT SERVICES – GENERAL LABOR – TRASH REMOVAL – SNOW PLOW – HOUSE PAINTING

A Personified Confidential Client is hiring for multiple positions within the Northern VA area. 

If you have previous experience in any of the following positions, then we want YOU to Apply Now!

Custodial Services – Pest Control – Waste Disposal – Painting – Snow Removal – Indoor Plant Services

We offer: 

• Competitive Wages!

• Job Stability!

• Professional Growth Opportunities!

• Competitive Benefits Package!

• Culture that values and holds outstanding safety record!

• Large Company Opportunities, Small Company Feel!

Read the Requirements below and APPLY NOW for immediate consideration

We will be contacting you via email, so make sure to check your account regularly!

Requirements: 

• Must have Top-Secret Security clearance or higher

• Must have 3 years of experience in particular position OR certification for position/skill

Responsibilities:

• Typical of the particular position

o These will be discussed in further more detail when you speak to a hiring manager